Fuck! I just now figured something out. Something that happened a long time ago. Words. Words that were said. Words misunderstood. The wrong words. Words that may have changed everything -- for the worse. And I just now got the misunderstanding. And it may have caused a lot of heartache that could have been prevented, if I had only got it back then. And I didn't explain what I said when I said it. And I could have. I could have set things right from the beginning. And much later, when the opportunity arose, I didn't explain what I said. Had I explained it, things might have been different. It would have been so simple. So easy.
My heart is aching and breaking. Because I know I'll never get the chance to set that right. Even if I did see him again, it wouldn't be right for me to bring it up. It would be even more painful.
He was telling me about something someone said to him. Something that hurt him deeply. And I took the opportunity to be an idiot and make a sarcastic reply. Unfortunately, he didn't realize my sarcasm. How could he have? He thought I was serious. And he thought, for that moment, that I was on the other person's side. But I wasn't. I was empathetic to him. I truly was. I still am. But instead of properly expressing my empathy, I blew it. I went the wrong way. Why didn't I say what I really meant? I could have taken the opportunity to greatly comfort him.
Months later, or maybe it was years, he brought it up again. He brought up what I said to him. He never forgot. He told me how my words hurt him. We knew each other better. And he especially knew me better. I could have just said, then and there, that I was being sarcastic. But I didn't. I don't even know why I didn't. I just didn't.
Shortly after that initial idiocy on my part, I became Lillian. That was the first night we met.
You have to admire people who know exactly what they want to say and how to say it. And because of that, things happen the way they want them to.
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© Marie Carnes 2002.
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