disarranging

then, yet again


05.08.02

Today I have decided to not try to get this journal on a search engine. I started to say, "to not EVER try..." but quickly changed my mind. I'm trying to cease and desist in dealing in absolutes. Heh heh! I think we all know the kind of trouble I've gotten into in the past by dealing in absolutes. Well, I could go on ad infinitum about the faulty absolutes in my life, but today I though I talk about this web sites and search engines and stuff.

Couple things.

In the first month and a half, there have been more than a few hits on the main page herein -- obviously from searchbots looking for e-mail addresses. One of those searchbots even dipped into the cgi-bin subdirectory. But, of course, nothing is there to fetch. Where these hits are coming from, I have no idea, since this domain is not listed on any search engines. Possibly, from some domain name registry. So far, though, I haven't gotten any spam e-mails because of this domain. That's a good thing. Right?

Over the weekend, I linked the journal to my Yahoo profile. Then I unlinked it. Then I linked it again. Then I unlinked it again. There's basically no chance that anyone would ever go there and find the link and hence find this place. No chance -- either inadvertently or vertently.

There's only one person who ever had the key to my Yahoo profile. One person besides me.

I thought he might want to see my writings. I thought he might want to use some of them. And I thought he might be proud of me.

Oh fuck it! What am I doing here? He's doesn't want to see this stuff. He doesn't want to see me.

I shouldn't be writing for him. I should be writing for me. Right?

If it's not meant to be, all the trying in the world isn't going to make it happen. I heard that on "Ed" tonight. And now we know it was not meant to be. Is that absolute enough fer ya?


Some television commercials make me cry. The Volkswagen Pasat commercial makes me cry. Man. Car. Son. Bicycle. Love.


Jumbling.


Tonight I spied a really wonderful scene as I was going to pick up my youngest daughter from work. It was about 8:45 p.m., so it was dark outside. There was this pretty white house with a wide front porch. The inside lights were on in the living room creating a warm glow. Off to the side of the house was the garage. The overhead fluorescent lights were on in the garage, and a man was working on his car with a couple of kids watching him. I find myself envious of this homey little scene. It was so pretty. So perfect. So cozy. So nice. One of my first thoughts upon seeing this scene, was that as a young woman, that's what I wanted for myself. A cozy little house. A husband. Children. And all that goes with it, including the attention. But then I realized, I never wanted that. I never envisioned that. Not because I didn't want to. Just because I didn't really think it would ever happen. So I just didn't bother hoping. Insted I got what I got. And that's fine too.


This weekend I'll try to write a longer entry.


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L.M. Carnes 2002.

All content herein owned by L.M. Carnes unless otherwise noted.