disarranging

reality


29 May 2002

12:30 a.m.

Why don't you just let go?

I can't let go.

Have you even tried?

No, I haven't really tried to let go.

So, you don't want to let go?

I don't really know. I just.... So, I can't even speculate as to whether or not I want to.

What are you afraid of?

I think I'm afraid to find out what would happen if I actually let go.

So you keep hanging on?

Yes.

And?

There's a lot of comfort in hanging on.

What comfort.

Memories. The way I have them arranged in my heart and my mind. I love the memories so dearly.

So, you're content to live with just memories.

No. Don't get me wrong. It's very deeply personal. Just saying memories. That doesn't do justice to my feelings.

So, you want him back?

I do.

What? Why don't you just tell him?

I know. It's just that I need to make some changes in myself first. My life. Me.

Yes, I see.

It's too difficult to explain. I don't even understand it myself.

You make it too complicated?

I did.

You're afraid.

I am. I'm afraid to let go of him, of what will.

You're really fucked up.

I guess.

He's gone. Let me know when you're willing to be completely honest, okay?

Okay.


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L.M. Carnes 2002.

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